paper scars

Trees that creaked in the heavy wind, along with a light drizzle set a heart wrenching scene as he dirtied his ginger paws and sharp claws with dirt and fallen leaves. A ritual normally undertaken by the elders of the clan but one the young father insisted on having a paw in himself, something he needed to do to say goodbye to another love lost. He tilted his head skyward, taking note of the way the sun glowed from behind a thin wall of gray clouds, ones that released their own misery onto the ground below. Ground that now contained his mother and his son.

First the loss of Flashkit - or well, now he was Flashpaw - to a clan that had made clear it did not deserve him, and now the real loss of Nightkit. His little son, who currently lay buried under a mound of earth as nothing more than a little scrap. His heart was shattered, splintered into millions of pieces that would never be whole again. Lionflame had remained tirelessly outside the medicine cat den as he listened to his sons shuddering coughs, a sudden bout of illness that had taken no lives or infected no other cat but his son. He shut his azure eyes tightly and swallowed the lump in his throat as he remembered the way his son had ceased growing at the same rate at his littermates - some of whom were well on their way to becoming warriors. He had been so little, so fragile, so weak; and now he was gone. Another cat he loved buried under the ground, taken far away from him to rest above the sky. It wasn't fair, he thought as his broken heart endured another fractured line, and all he could do was sit with his paws at the edge of the grave. A vacant look adorned his face as he angled his head down to look at the disturbed dirt and he hoped with a pang of sadness so strong it threatened to knock him over that his mother had received his son with open paws. The warrior looked around for his mate, eyes blurred with grief and wanting nothing more than to curl around her lithe form and mourn together.

Coal had never been a particularly spiritual cat. There was no denying the existence of StarClan, but she certainly had some strong opinions about them. Coal had a lot of strong opinions about most things, frankly, but at that moment she didn't feel strongly about anything at all. There was only thing she'd really processed beyond the freshly-disturbed earth that lay before her once-torrid gaze: the droplets tickling her short coat felt like her ancestors shedding the tears she could not produce herself.

Some part of Coal, in the back of her mind, was actively confused at her numbness, but rationally she knew it was part of grief. Her mother had responded the same way to her father's death. If the she-cat didn't know better, she would've assumed she were simply spectating the burial of the frail kit, not participating in it. Perhaps her soul was with Nightkit above, watching the procession. That would explain why her body had never felt quite so empty. Her paws had carried her here of their own accord, and she figured that they would take her back into camp at some point as well, but for now, all she could do was sink her claws into the ground and stare at the wet earth with eyes emptier than her heart.

Much to the queen's chagrin, the stupid little rat in the back of her mind kept wondering, no matter how resigned she was to the situation. Wondering why StarClan had to take her son so young, so bright, and make him suffer so much before he could finally rest. Wondering why there was nothing that could help him, no matter how many herbs Mistedsong gave him. Wondering what the point was in bringing her kits to SkyClan if all that was going to come of it was pain and separation. Wondering why she'd even gotten herself this deep into this mess in the first place-- wondering whether maybe this was her punishment for forsaking her Clan, for spitting at Magpiestar's feet and turning her back on everything she'd ever known. Wondering if maybe she deserved everything that had come to her, because she brought it all upon herself in the first place.

It went without saying that Coal was likely going to be stewing upon a lot of things for a very long time.

The sight of his mate was enough for his tail and whiskers to droop further, eyes downcast as he contemplated on what he would say to her -- what could he say to her? This was the love of his life, the mother of his kits and his family, and they had just lost a piece of the puzzle that connected them. It was his fault she was here, his fault she had fallen pregnant and his own StarClan forsaken fault that they became mates in the first place. Had he just dealt with the inability to sleep that night, she wouldn't be here looking broken.

Guilt welled up in his chest, and Lionflame faltered in his heavy steps as it threatened to overwhelm him. What had he promised her when she had told him so excited at that fateful gathering she was expecting his kits? What had he said, looking straight into amber eyes that were once filled with a spark so strong it electrified him? He had promised to protect her and their family forever, and he had failed. The disturbed earth beside his thick tail was proof; his own son buried by his paws was all the proof he would ever need of how he had failed. As a warrior, breaking the code for Coal and their kits. As a sibling and son for lying to the family who had so graciously adopted him about the nature of his relationship with the black molly.

As a father, for allowing his son to pass in such a long and excruciating way. For allowing his other son to remain in a clan where he was nothing but an outcast. For being barely present in the lives of his remaining kits, all his time being devoted to Nightkit. As a mate for putting Coal through everything he had. He raised his head, gathering every last bit of emotional strength that resided in his concave chest to continue making the steps forward until he was at her side. Lionflame barely knew what to say; throat closing up rapidly with grief and guilt, mind going completely empty as he recalled how much of this was his fault. You have to say something. She is suffering just as much as you are-- why could he think rationally but not act upon it?

He was scared to be too close to the molly, scared of how she may react-- did she blame him as much as he did himself? Did she blame Magpiestar, Mistedsong, Silverstar, StarClan? Did she blame no-one? Worst of all, did she blame herself? The rain carried a little heavier as he searched for words, feeling more guilt pile on as he sat next to her wordlessly, long fur brushing the ends of her own short coat. He remembered their first night together, how being this close to her had made his heart race and ears feel hot, and the memory threatened to break his heart further.

"Do you- do you remember our first night together?" he began quietly, voice hoarse and croaky from a lack of use and heartbreak. "The night not long after the gathering you missed, when I couldn't stand listening to Mudpaw's snoring anymore. I remember the more we spoke, I was enthralled with you. You were so interesting-- you still are. You were so brave and radiated independence; what other barely out of the nursery apprentice would journey all the way to Fourtrees? I admired it so much. It didn't help that you completely took my breath away, especially the morning after. I remember thinking, 'I want to get to know her better. I want her in my life' and lucky for me, it was something you wanted just as badly," he was rambling, but his voice grew stronger the more he spoke. He wasn't really sure where he was going with this except it felt as if his mouth was moving without his body's permission.

"Every meeting we had, every time I saw you I loved you more. I wanted nothing more than to have you around permanently, I wanted to love you and protect you for as long as I lived. Really Coal, I still do. And then you told me you were expecting, I was overjoyed. I wanted a family with you more than anything and I was willing to do anything to make sure that would happen. Before I knew it, everything had gone so drastically wrong- I um, I assume you'd rather I don't run through it all again. But seeing you with our kits, I really didn't think my heart would be able to handle the sheer amount of affection I felt for you in that moment."

"You have loved and lost more than any cat I've known, and you're still here. No matter how bleak the future is looking, you have made it to this point. You are the most incredible mother our kits could ask for, and more than that, you have been the best mate for me. I don't know where we go from here. I don't know how we recover from this, and I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for everything that's occurred. But I love you Coal, and I know we can get through this together. No matter what happens, as long as we're together, we can get through anything," his voice had dropped to a whisper, a lump forming in the back of his throat as a thousand emotions pummelled him at once. Lionflame gently lapped her ear, before resting his nose against her cheek. "I promise."